Mumbai Christian Church

Dreams

Guest Editorial : Annie Johnson

It was a real privilege to be at Mumbai to share my life with everyone there.  I really want to thank Anthony and Mary for inviting me over to Mumbai. I feel it was an extreme move of faith to invite me to preach as I am sure several it would have raised a few eyebrows. I have been personally going thro’ a lot of challenges with my health. After having spent an incredible 4 years giving my best to God as a single, life took a different turn  2 years after  marriage.Though it kept appearing as an issue of misunderstanding in marriage between I and Johnny, I now realize the crux of the issue is a severe condition of PMDD.

I have been periodically going thro’ symptoms of Hopelessness, crying spells, low esteem, low ability to concentrate and strained relationships. This problem has been prevalent for over 10 years  neither  I or many of my friends, relatives in ICOC realizing it. I am sure none of them even accepted the fact that I could be suffering from such a situation. I get affected by this condition for nearly 15 days in a month and spend the rest 15 days of normally. But then during the 15 days of suffering a lot of damage would happen in relationships around me as I would be throwing bouts of anger due to my low level of tolerance. People would get hurt, including my husband and it eventually ended in I being branded as an unspiritual person. When this communication would come to me, I would be able to handle it as long as I did well in health but during my bad spell in health I would go into depression and into a spin.  

Even as I write this editorial I am not in the best of health, but I really appreciate my husband who is being a great friend to me during these times. As a single I was very effective in helping a lot of women. At the age of 17 years I left home to go to Chennai from Bangalore just to serve my God and his people. I came from a very modest catholic  family in Bangalore, who did not appreciate my turn to the Bible and persecuted me severely, I lost the opportunity to study but felt no regret. My greatest desire once I learnt to be a disciple was to serve God with my whole heart  and it still remains the only thing that gives me happiness and joy. I can’t pinpoint when the problem with my health began to arise, but the suspicion lies in the fact that due to hormonal changes it would have got triggered severely. With these health problems in the background, we were asked to quit the full time ministry in 1997, while serving as full time staff with the ICOC. Now I can clearly see that it sent me into severe depression and sorrow, which kept pulling me down for more than 10 years.  In those 10 years I kept going to the ICOC and  almost every communication from the leaders was laced with a challenge to repent. I was totally confused and felt  there was none to understand me. This caused severe strains in my marriage and literally touched the edge of breaking several times. I was frequently haunted by thoughts to commit suicide as feelings of worthlessness kept gripping me. I am thankful to God that he finally helped me as I decided to leave the ICOC because I found the environment totally accusing and condemning. I found great support and help in my husband who always stood by me even as several people including relatives and friends on both sides felt it was unfair what Johnny was going thro’ and should even leave me. Even through all this, today we are happily together with  my children being aware of my condition. At ages less than 10 years, they are great friends to me and we enjoy our family devotionals a lot. I praise God that my kids have stayed unaffected and have shown great love for each other and done well in their understanding of God and their academics.  

I shared about Mary Magdalene during the women’s day meeting at Mumbai as I felt I can identify with her a lot. Her condition, I presume was a case of severe depression which was viewed as demon possession and Jesus helped her to be healed.  Today I believe when a  women with limitations like Mary Magdalene could come back to serve Jesus with incredible intensity then, its possible for any one to do incredible things for God. I nurse the same dream and hope for myself and other women. Its not important whether we hold a position of importance or not but to be close to God and hold onto him even in time of hopelessness. Its taken us more than a decade of perseverance to see things with clarity. Its also important to accept the reality, I refused to believe for many years that I could be suffering from such a problem and Satan kept using it against me. 

I share all this openly so that maybe even one of you reading this article may find a solution to your problem. I also take this as an opportunity to seek forgiveness from those I would have hurt even as I was struggling with my situation. I am very happy that I have even pursued my education and would probably graduate this year.   Through all these years I have learnt one thing is to never stop dreaming. Jesus is watching us and wants us to succeed against all odds. I understand only 2% to 10% of women who suffer from PMS suffer from PMDD but there is some information that may help handling women who behave different from most in the congregation. It would help them if they are handled with more care inside the church and in the family. I also draw this insight from Jesus who was extra protective of Mary Magdalene as he saw that sometimes even his own disciples where not appreciative of her deeds to serve Jesus 

I am really grateful to the sisters in Mumbai who have trusted me and seen something positive in me beyond my weakness and failures. I will be ever grateful to your friendship which calls me higher and makes me more determined to do my best for God till I die.

Useful details on PMDD.  

Signs and symptoms   

The most common signs and symptoms associated withpremenstrual syndrome include:

 Emotional and behavioral symptoms Tension or anxiety Depressed mood Crying spells Mood swings and irritability or anger Appetite changes and food cravings Trouble falling asleep (insomnia) Social withdrawal Poor concentration Physical signs and symptoms  For some women, the physical pain and emotional stressAre severe enough to affect their daily routines andactivities. For most of these women, signs andsymptoms disappear as the menstrual period begins.  But a small proportion of women with premenstrualsyndrome have disabling symptoms every month. Thisform of PMS has its own psychiatric designation —premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). PMDD is asevere form of premenstrual syndrome with symptomsincluding severe depression, feelings of hopelessness,anger, anxiety, low self-esteem, difficultyconcentrating, irritability and tension. A number ofwomen with severe PMS may have an underlyingpsychiatric disorder.   

With love and thanks,

Annie Johnson

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